14 11 2008
This is probably not the best way to start a new entry, but I do not know what’s wrong with me.  Some days I am fine and happy and I talk to him without complaints, arguments, etc.  Then like yesterday, I can’t stop feeling like shit and since I blame him, I take it out on him.  I don’t think he deserves it.  I do it anyway. 

He is my ex-bf.  Despite plans never to be friends if we broke up again (it happened once before), I am trying my damnedest to be his friend.  The problem is, I’m not over it.  I don’t know if I just need a distraction, or if I really just hate him deep down.  I feel like I sometimes hate him because he exudes this aura of the perfect guy… and people probably think it’s MY fault we aren’t together.  In reality, he just never tells anyone anything so they assume he can do nothing wrong but he’s got a walk-in closet full of skeletons.  Knowing that, I feel like he thinks I’m stupid and that I don’t know. 

Anyway, the point of all of this is that as much as I try and try and try, I can NOT be happy.  At all.  Not just with him but in life.  A lot has happened this year that made me this way.  It’s not just him.  But it’s primarily our breakup that is making me feel this way.  The icing on the cupcake.  I try to just hold everything in because it’s really not his place to comfort me but he is like the only who has been there for me over the past 5 years, and now he can’t be.  

I don’t want to sit here crying in hysterics one more day.  I am starting to feel like it’s too hard for me to have to feel sad all the time.  I don’t feel like I have anything anymore… 
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