15 01 2009

I feel like at age 21 I had a lot going on in my life.  I thought I didn’t know myself.  I thought I had an asshole for a boyfriend (when I broke up with him, he cried and begged me to try and work it out, nothing was THAT wrong).  I thought I needed to lose 10lbs (at 5’6″, I weighed 125-130).  I had a 1 year old and I was working hard to provide for her as much as I could whilst living at home with my family.  

Sometimes when I think about it, I realize that I knew and liked myself better when I was younger.  I have resentment too.  Some of it toward my mom who, even though I was eating a super healthy vegan diet, kept telling me I was anorexic.  I think this came to her because she never saw me eat that much because I was either not home or eating out at vegan places, at my boyfriends where they were vegan-friendly, or working.  She thought I wasn’t eating because she only physically saw me eat one meal a day.  If you’ve ever met me, you know my ass can eat!! LOL  Also, this 10lbs I thought I wanted to lose was because pre-pregnancy I was 115lbs.  I was healthy, I was just younger so the 10lbs I gained came with age and having a baby.  I was still fit, I worked out, I was very active, especially chasing after Maya all the time.  
Now I look back and think “wow… everything was so easy back then, and fun, and I liked the place I was in”.  It’s not so now.  I am not comfortable in my skin.  I act happy when I’m not because I don’t like it when people are whiney and complain, and rain on the parade.  I am stuck in a city I hate without ONE friend of mine within 2 hours from me.  I just feel like I need to vent tonight I guess, but things have to change, SOON.  I can NOT stand things as they are, and it’s like being stuck in a jail cell over here (not that I would know but I can imagine).
Also, I have been in a super cranky mood today, someone pushed my buttons and I can’t let it go.  I just can’t for some reason.  I feel like it was intentional (even though it probably wasn’t, I’m still rational, but I feel what I feel), and I don’t appreciate that shit.  I don’t like it when people get in the way of what I want to do or how I intend for things to go.  I also don’t care too much about how selfish that sounds, that’s just how I feel sometimes.  I get this “get out of my way or follow me to the top” feeling or something.  It’s like I get really angry at someone who doesn’t allow me to follow my intended path to where I plan to go, hehe.  I think we’re all that way at times.  Today is my time. 
On a normal day I am nothing like this but I hold everything in so every so often I have a REALLY REALLY bad day.  To be honest, you would probably never notice it either, unless you read my blog, because I don’t like to treat people like shit.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and write it off like THEY might be having an off day if they’re pushing my buttons, or maybe I’m irritable.  Sometimes that’s true, sometimes not.  I find strength in knowing that I tried, and I still got angry, so at that point, maybe it’s not just MY fault I’m upset.  🙂  We all need to be held accountable, I guess.
I kind of feel better now, just having gotten that off my chest… In other news, though, I thought Maya was getting better from her food poisoning but tonight her fever came back.  I will call the doc tomorrow to see what to do next.  I feel so bad for her, she is just sleeping and sleeping, and if you know Maya, you know all she ever does is run and run and run and run til she gets cranky, throws a baby fit that’s totally inappropriate for her 8 years, and finally goes to sleep.  lol  
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