I Like A Little Fire

24 02 2010

I didn’t blog yesterday.  I kind of “forgot” it was Blog Monday…whoops! Sorry.

Anyway… on to something I thought about today.  While I was looking at one of my favorite blog sites to see cute pics, check out some stylish stuff, and read about random happenings, I stumbled upon this question:

My husband complains that I don’t put out. I complain that he never helps out with housework/parenting. How can I get him to understand that helping me out = more sex for him?

http://community.dooce.com/family-relationships/my-husband-complains-i-dont-put-out-i-complain-he-never-helps-out-houseworkpare

Now, I don’t have a husband yet, but I plan to never be the woman with a husband who thinks it’s ok to habitually lie on the couch while I cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc. all by myself.  That’s not a husband, a man you love, or a man who loves you.  That is just disrespectful.  I don’t even NEED someone to help me all the time, but at least offer, let me have the chance to decline if I’m ok and I will do the same when I think you might have a lot on your plate. But anyway, I thought both of the replies below were interesting (in a good way). One is from a woman, and the other from a man, and I generally agree with both of them. Here they are:

My husband was a single dad before we got married.
I only married him because (not only is he awesome,) but he’s the first man I *didn’t* have to train to do dishes, laundry, vacuum, etc. I had one child already, I didn’t need another one!
IMHO most men don’t know how to be a proper partner. They aren’t people I’d go to to chat or for emotional support. They don’t help around the house. I really had no use for one other than sex. Then they wonder why so many women marry for money? What on earth do they contribute otherwise?
I know I probably sound like a man hater, but I’m independent. As such, my usual reponse to men was “Why do I need you in my life?” Men assume we’ll put up with total nonsense to avoid being alone. I’d *rather* be alone than have a man expecting me to be his mother.
Actually, that would make a great comment. “I’m sorry, I have a hard time switching gears from being your MOM to being your sex goddess. Perhaps you can help by acting less like a child who needs his mess picked up?” zinnggggg

While I don’t totally agree that most men don’t know how to be a proper partner, or that I wouldn’t be comfortable going to them for emotional support… I think she has a decent view on things.  I think that most of the men who don’t act like a “proper partner” are not doing so because they are completely incapable, but that they just don’t care to.  
Ok so here is the other one, written by a man… a man who actually seems to have been divorced due to similar issues.  
Wow,amazing how every other couple on the planet has exactly the same issues i had when married.shame i did not find out till too late.Im a typical guy.If I’m angry with a women,just worked 12 hours straight,am hungry and have the flu,I am still very open to having sex(after a really quick snack,chewed hastily while running up the stairs).It just never sunk in with me,or i was unwilling to give in,that she has to be happy with me to want me.I worked long hours and was responsible for everything outside.Big yard,big garden,farm animals,firewood.She viewd all my responsibilities like they were my hobby.She did the finances (5 years into marrigae i started a small business)and took care of the house chores.We fell into the trap of of,”what i do is more important”.Being alone (I have my son weekends and most of the time in summer)I see the mind numbing tedium of dishes,laundry and vacuming.I’d rather split firewood.It’s not about the work,it’s about a sense of accomplishment.do the laundry and dishes,and they just repopulate.makes you want to hang yourself.Solution may be simple as putting the cards on the table,open and honest business transcation.Just say it..”When i don’t get help with boring and never ending jobs i get frustrated and angry and don’t want sex.He will never understand that,but he may under stand this.. ” but when you help me (do this crap together) “it makes me feel appreciated and loved,and horny”.Sex as currency always pissed me off a little.It’s wrong on many levels.But facts are facts,business is business.Does not hurt either to make the reward interesting by talking openly about your sexuality and surprising each other with new and creative spontaneouse sexual expression.Otherwise sex too can become a little like running the vacume.
Too late for me,but I’d hate to think more guys will fall to prey to this all too common malady.We just have to be smarter than that.

He brings up a  REALLY important thing “she has to be happy with me to want me”.  If every man knew that, the world would be a better place.  lol  I’m sorry thats the way it is, but it is.  It’s not OUR fault, either.  Its really just how we’re wired I guess.  Everything he says is basically right and true in my book.  As a matter of fact, I think if ANYONE had to do a never-ending supply of dishes or laundry, they’d go crazy.  Even men.  
Alright, I just kind of wanted to share that I guess, I will be back soon with more… 

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