Weight Loss and Injuries

17 06 2010

I have been frustrated, no, angry increasingly more lately because I was on a good road before I hurt my arm.  At the time of injury I had been working out for two weeks and eating better and had been seeing results in the form of inches lost. There was a significant change after just those two weeks. Now that I can’t support my weight on my arm, or straighten it, I am very limited as to what I can do to maintain muscle tone, general fitness, and certainly can’t do much in the way of weight loss.

I haven’t gained any weight. I have lost a few (five) pounds but I FEEL like I have gained even though I haven’t. The thought that even though I want to workout, I can’t do so, really gets to me. I hate not having control over myself, my life, my fitness level and other aspects of my current situation. If I weren’t me, I’d tell me to just get over it and be strong and deal with it, but I am being a huge pessimist instead. The desire to have my life the way I want it is so strong it’s unbearable that I can’t just have it my way. Call me a control freak, I don’t care. I like things to go my way. Who doesn’t? Name me one person who lives to have their life controlled by others and I will let you call me a liar, but I can’t think of any self-respecting person who doesn’t wish their life to be how they imagine it.

My solution to the inability to do most exercises is to limit my diet. I have been eating smaller portions and I’m gradually cutting out meat. Cutting out meat is more for that healthy feeling than weight loss, but it will probably contribute to a certain amount of weight loss just because the fat content in my diet will be lower. I feel healthiest, most energetic and all-over better when I don’t eat meat. Actually, I was telling Joe how when I was Vegan, I felt the best. I felt the most healthy I’ve felt in my life, I have also felt less “heavy”. By heavy I am referring more to the feel of my body than my actual weight but I WAS 40 lbs. lighter then, too.

I know exactly where my weight gain is from. It’s from all the delicious meals I ate when I lived in Orange County. I was probably trying to eat away the relationship I was so unhappy in but let’s just say it was that weight you gain when you get comfortable in a relationship. I don’t really buy that though. It’s also from years of drinking every weekend. I don’t do that now. I’d like to change my current drink of choice to something healthier, too. Joe and I currently drink Cuervo and some sort of cola. I’d like to switch to Gin & Tonics or at least something with less sugar. But back to weight gain… it’s also from Applebee’s. Screw you, you local temptation. It’s not that they have especially awesome food but who can deny a 2 for $20? I mean, honestly, it’s cheap as hell, right? They’re problem is that there is only one “healthy” option in that deal, and then you add an appetizer, and sometimes an irresistible dessert? It’s calorie city. It’s like I’m BEGGING to be fat. I know exactly what I’m doing to myself but I’m defenseless against it somehow.

I’d almost rather just not eat than have that full feeling, and it doesn’t help that I am not leading an active lifestyle here. Especially during the summer, it’s difficult to go out and do things when it’s 100°+ outside. A determined person would walk outside to the pool, lookin’ all fat, and say “F it, I’m gonna just swim” but I can’t even get THAT far. I need motivation. I can’t place it but it’s just not in my mind to put on an ill-fitting swim top (38G, remember?) and go swimming alone…or with my daughter who wants to spend every second splashing me. The entire idea just gives me a nice fat anxiety attack. Fat. hehe

Trying to think of ways to “con” myself into doing things that I CAN physically do that I will be able to do once I have surgery (read other than swimming), I think to myself “What do I LOVE, or even LIKE to do?” I love to go to Disneyland from open to close and just walk around, go on rides, and be distracted by the entire experience. I love that so much, I’d do it 2 or 3 times a week. In fact, I used to and I was 30 lbs thinner then, too. The other thing I love to do? Write, browse the web all day, sleep, cook, work. Do you see my roadblock here? Yeah. No wonder I’m not 5’6″ 120 (not that I WANT to be… cuz it’s all about the curves). I  am content at 5’6″ 140-160. That is where I look best. Keep in mind that I hold about 10 lbs up top if ya know what I mean. hehe

SO, I’m starting off today with some cereal. Next time I grocery shop, I hope to buy some healthier options. Maybe I’ll manage to get in some exercise…maybe I’ll run on the treadmill at Joe’s, who knows (yeah, yeah, I’m a poet). In the meantime, I’m watching one my all-time favorite shows, The Twilight Zone. Time for breffies!

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